Global Porn Shortage Predicted

In a shocking new documentary film, "An Incoherent Truth", an analyst from a respected Swedish research firm reveals a frightening secret that up until now, has been kept hidden from public view. After analyzing terabytes of pornagrapy freely available on the Internet, and interviewing thousands of adult entertainment producers, they have discovered that the world is slowly but surely running out of quality porn.

Apparently, millions of attractive young men and women are being lured away from the lucrative porn industry into high paying fields like the food service industry and public teaching positions. This is causing a global drought of available talent that, according to the Swedish analyst, will usher in an economic catastrophe that threatens to destroy the world's major economies.

Puzzled by this dire conclusion we caught up with the analyst, Dr. Holen Dewrongplace, Ph.D, and asked him to explain this startling premise.

Q.: "Dr. Holen Dewrongplace, while we agree that a global porn shortage would affect many of us adversely, why would it cause an international economic crisis?"

Dr.: "Ah ha! That too was surprising to us and we were shocked by our own conclusions. It has to do with a little known evolutionary process that has taken place in the workplace."

Q.: "What is that?"

Dr.: "The positive affect that porn has had at improving productivity in the workplace!"

Q.: "Improving? That's unbelievable! Surfing for porn at work is known to be a severe distraction for many employees, especially government workers and those in the video gaming industry."

Dr. "Yes, That is a commonly held misconception! Those studies never asked a critical question when doing their research."

Q.: "What is that?"

Dr. "Which employees are being distracted!"

Q.: "What difference does that make?"

Dr. "Here is what we discovered. Those that surf for porn at work become very skilled at hiding their activities and fooling their employers into thinking they are working, while simultaneously getting worse and worse at their jobs."

Q.: "A bad thing right?"

Dr.: "Wrong! The reason they are distracted so easily by porn is because they are bad at what they do. The are poorly skilled, usually because they are not interested in their work."

Q.: "Yes I've heard of that, it's called ADD or Attention 'Don't-Give-A-Sh*t' Disorder."

Dr.: "Correct! But the important part is that by being distracted, they leave the competent and enthusiastic workers alone, free to create quality work without having to correct or manage the shoddy errors made by others!"

Q.: "Interesting! I never looked at it that way. You're saying that porn weeds out the low skilled employees like the way evolution will weed out the people who didn't like Snakes On A Plane?"

Dr.: "Exactly! Do you have any idea of the catastrophic effect it will have on the global economy when millions, no billions of poorly trained and easily distracted workers suddenly find themselves with nothing else to do but their actual jobs? Think of the horror and chaos!"

Shaken we concluded the interview realizing that Dr. Holen Dewrongplace was completely right. To the governments and businesses of the world, please lower the astronomically high salaries of food service workers and teachers; for god sakes, all they are doing is feeding and educating the world. The world must not be allowed to run out of porn!

(This is satire, if you didn't know that by now you should unplug your computer and stay away from the Internet, especially your e-mail account and any social networking sites.)