JAPAN TECH: Flying Cat Postal Service

- (c), photo junku - (?)

Scientists in Japan are baffled by a recent severe drop in the earth's gravitational pull that is oddly localized to the downtown Tokyo area. Fortunately the decrease in gravity is not enough to affect Tokyo's citizens or many vehicles, but it is having an unfortunate effect on their smaller residents, their cats. Luckily they are not light enough to spin off into space, where they could collide and damage geostationary satellites, disrupting local satellite TV service. In fact, they are just free enough of the earth's pull to float about 8 to 20 feet, or 2.43 to 9.72 meters, from the ground.

Unable to reverse this strange new physical phenomenon, clever Japanese scientists have begun to capitalize on the airborne kitties. With a little training and the quick manufacture of crash helmets for the levitating furballs, they launched Tokyo's new CatEx delivery service. All over the city mail is being delivered by the flying cats to every business and home in the downtown Tokyo area. Despite being delighted with the speedy and furry delivery service, there are a few citizens that are less than pleased. One Tokyo resident we interviewed had this to say, "Sure, it's great to be able to pay your shipping bill with tuna and they are very fast, but you think bird droppings are bad? Have you ever been hit in the face by the exhaust product of a 30 pound liver eating Calico cat, moving at about 30 kilometres per hour? ".

UPDATE: This just in. The new aerial kitty ballet that critics are claiming is sure to challenge the legendary "Cats" is set to open this weekend. Here's a sneak preview of what is sure to be a blockbuster production, "Hairballs".

- (c), photo junku - (?)

- (c), photo junku - (?)

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Canine Cloning Catastrophe!

- (c) photo, Jakes_World - (?)

In a tragic accident that can only make one question the ethics of current science, a pair of Swedish scientists attempted to solve the difficult task of cloning a dog, by combining the embryonic DNA of twins. Instead of getting a superior dog with the best of each donor cells genetic material, as they had hoped, they have ended up with a single head with two bodies attached to the dog's neck.

We caught up with the scientists, expecting to hear heartwrenching stories of guilt and self-recrimination. Instead you can imagine our shock and dismay when they responded to our probing questions with a simple, "We think the only major concern is that he is appears to be having a really bad fur day." Not satisfied with a glib answer like that, we pressed the scientists to tell us what they intend to do for the sadly deformed creature. With no indication of sentiment or deeper thought they responded, "We intend to call him Fred". We left the lab, bewildered by the scientist's callous comments. Our parting image image was of poor Fred unable to chase his own tail, because of his inability to choose which butt to follow.

MARTIAL ARTS: Is It For Pets?

- (c) photo, ~Colleen~ - (?) Self-defense is a subject on everyone's mind these days and dogs have been protecting us for years, but when they learn martial arts, has it gone too far? When we discovered the ace fighting duo of Porkchop (photo left) and Lulu (photo right), delivering powerful blows by paw and tail, we decided to investigate further. When we confronted the canine kickboxer's owner, she told us, "They love it! You try to make them stop, I'll watch! Besides, have you ever seen a basset hound throw a spinning heel kick? It's hilarious!". We asked for a few details on the pooches fighting prowess and were told, "Porkchop has a black belt in Dog Fu and Lulu has a Porkchop in fondue." We'll be monitoring this situation closely. UPDATE: Within the short time this news alert was published, we are already seeing canine combat offers pouring in. The notorious Twin Terriers of Terror or Triple-T have offered to challenge our dynamic duo, and I quote, "We'll take anyone on, anytime, anywhere! We want you Porkchop and Lulu! We want you!". Known for their questionable tactics in the ring, the Triple-T threat is being ignored by Porkchop and Lulu. - (c) photo, Myszka - (?) We suggest in the meantime, that you think closely the next time you approach a strange pair of dogs. They might just be Ninjas!